Welcome to the first annual Archies Awards! I haven’t decided whether the Archies should lose the “s” or add an apostrophe, so please sound off in the comments section. The Archies celebrates movies that were not nominated for an Oscar in particular categories; i.e. Babylon can’t win an Archie for Best Score since the Academy nominated it in the same (or a like) category. I made up some categories too.
Best Picture: Babylon
One day, I won’t look crazy arguing that Babylon is the Best Picture of the DECADE. Today is not that day, sadly, but that won’t stop me from normalizing the idea right now.
Best Documentary: This Place Rules
The documentary didn’t necessarily bring anything new to the table, but I’m a sucker for gonzo journalism. Also, this movie shines a light on a certain group in a pretty fair and sensitive way. In the end, you feel sad and never want to think about those people again. I don’t watch much news on US politics and government after seeing This Place Rules. For that reason alone, have an Archie!
Best Director: Damien Chazelle (Babylon)
Why Chazelle? He wins the Archie for Best Director for bringing together hours of complex, multifaceted scenes without losing the characters’ humanity. Chazelle’s work is nothing short of magic.
The only way to make this movie work is via close collaboration with hundreds of other professionals including - unique to this film (and a few others) - very close collaboration with Justin Hurwitz; and to have enough humility to collaborate with so many on such a huge, arrogant movie begging to be seen on the big screen with a crowd like this one earns Damien Chazelle the Golden Archie. The Golden Archie goes to the most inspirational and innovative winner of the night. Unfortunately, shooting on film is innovative nowadays, so Chazelle satisfies both prongs of the Golden Archie Test.
Best Ensemble: The Casts of the 2022-23 “Eat the Rich” Trilogy (Infinity Pool, the Menu, Triangle of Sadness)
Burin, Ralph, Woody, Goth, Taylor-Joy, Charlbi, Hoult, De Leon, Skarsgard, Dickinson, Leguizamo, Berlin, Lespert, Coleman, and Brugel stood up as one in three films to shout, “Eat the rich!” The secret back door American Parasite wins this year’s Archie for Best Emsemble.
Best Actor: Dave Bautista (The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special)
Dave Bautista is winning next year’s Body of Work Archie, but this year he still deserves Best Actor for portraying Drax the Destroyer in the Disney holiday special. Most actors use holiday specials as a cash grab, but Bautista takes this straight-to-streaming holiday flick and makes it something interesting with depth and heart. And it was one of the funniest performances of the year.
Best Actress : Mia Goth (Pearl)
Easily the most memorable performance of the year. That final scene is etched on my brain.
Best Supporting Actor: Mark Rylance (Bones and All)
Look out Captain, a new Sully is in town. What a weird performance. Mark Rylance takes a YA novel villain and turns him into a memorable, terrifying character. Sully’s whistle is like the Jaws theme.
Best Supporting Actress: Kristen Stewart (Crimes of the Future)
Kristen made a choice and I think it worked. I know many disagree.
Best Cinematography: Babylon
Rewatch the first 45 minutes before you disagree in the comments.
Best Practical Effects: Crimes of the Future
Only Cronenberg can make you horny with a graphic street surgery.
Best Stunts: Tom Cruise
He really hit MACH 10 right? That gets you an Archie.
Best Line Delivery: Surgery is the New Sex (Kristen Stewart in Crimes of the Future).
Kristen Stewart read a weird line so much weirder than the rest of us would.
Best Child Actor: Jenny and Rosie the Donkeys (Banshees)
I’m pretty sure Jenny is a child but I added Rosie the stand-in just in case. I know Rosie is 11. But Jenny is probably younger than Rosie.
Feel free to tell me why I’m wrong in the comments!
These are all great picks! Been hearing so much about the Oscar races the past several months, so it's nice to remember all the great cinematic achievements of 2022 that have fallen out of that conversation. Just for kicks and without commentary, I will give my own winners:
Best Picture: Nope
Best Documentary: jeen-yuhs
Best Director: Robert Eggers (The Northman)
Best Ensemble: The Woman King
Best Actor: Colin Farrell (After Yang) (this is allowed right?)
Best Actress: Tang Wei (Decision to Leave)
Best Supporting Actor: Anders Danielsen Lie (The Worst Person in the World)
Best Supporting Actress: Sigourney Weaver (Avatar: The Way of Water)
Best Cinematography: Claudio Miranda (Top Gun: Maverick)
Best Practical Effects: Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio *
Best Stunts: Nick Powell (stunt coordinator) and Ram Charan, N. T. Rama Rao Jr. and the rest of the cast and stunt crew (RRR)
Best Line Delivery: "You're all fecking boring!" - Kerry Condon (The Banshees of Inisherin)
Best Child Actor: Frankie Corio (Aftersun)
* Golden Archie